The Panda Hunters of China

The Panda Hunters of China: A Modern Story of Tragedy and Triumph (Part 1)

Some say the Chinese are good at math, others say they are good at working sweatshop-like labor to make Wal-Mart items, but for a select few, their skills lie in the hunting down and killing of all things panda. These few are the proud Panda Hunters of China.

They are a reclusive group of enthusiastic individuals whose stature in society is only dwarfed by their own physical stature. As the only American journalist I was lucky enough to be able to interview these little people with big hearts. After flying many hours in economy class, I finally arrived in what the man who drooled on my shoulder referred to as “China: the fat chick Asia wakes up to.” After stepping through the exit doors of the airport I was greeted by what I can only say is the Chinese equivalent to a beat-up, rusty station wagon with a man standing in front holding a sign that had my name poorly spelled and upside-down. Also, in what I guess passes as an operating vehicle in China, they were kind enough to supply me with a translator for our interviews, which I later came to learn was a Korean to English translator who, “Was only taking stabs in the dark,” as to what they were saying.

One of head members of this group named Li Lee took me back to his home to first celebrate my arrival. There I was greeted by what appeared to be his elderly mother, or his wife (it was a disturbingly ambiguous relationship), who seemed just happy to see people. After staring down a plate of what seemed to be a Chinese version of rocky mountain oysters, I decided to skip the meal, and the vomiting, and go straight into the interview.

I asked him to explain what it is his group does, he replied, “Cow book lactate man bus eat of telephone glue book boiled hamster (and/or some other small mammal or cheese).” Even now, as I finish polishing this article, I still do not know if it really was the Korean translator’s fault that these first statements didn’t make sense. After a while of confusion another man came who spoke a little Korean, so the interview could finally continue. He introduced himself as Lee Chan and began to tell me what it is their group is all about.

They go around the country and they hunt and kill pandas. When asked why they would do such a thing to an almost extinct species, he told me how the group’s late founder, Chan Chow, started the group because he had OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, and that he regarded the dwindling panda population as a “hangnail that must be compulsively pulled”.

What these panda hunters do is they “track down” pandas that are actually caged in zoos and they kill them. This may sound easy, it may even sound fun, but it is hard and dangerous work. Lee Chan offered to let me follow them in their next hunt to see what it is like and I could not refuse, because the nonsensical Li Lee scared me with what I can only describe as a “dangerous retard” feeling.

So with that, the hunt was on…

Battle for Quebec

Battle for Quebec: The Drunken Masters of the North
Part 2 in a Series Highlighting Canada’s Great War (Pub. 10/10/06)

The 2nd Moose Brigade has proven again why they are considered maybe the second or third, well at least in the top ten, best volunteer brigade in the U.S.’s legally retarded northern brother, Canada. They called it “The Battle for Gretzskygrad” but because a sober person heard it and called it a lame attempt to relate it to the WW2 battle for Stalingrad they changed to the “Battle for Quebec”; even though it took place nowhere near Quebec the sober person decided to not to argue and start drinking. Whatever drunken nonsensical name they decided to give it one thing was true; it was a battle of epic proportions.

No one had expected what looked to be a large bulk of the Harp Seal army to attack their part of the line, which is why they were drinking heavily before the attack happened. Sergeant Pierre Girard stated, “We were pretty drunk by the time someone saw the seaborne attack, eh. Someone, I don’t remember too well who, screamed that they were coming, eh. Because he was drunk he said he saw aboot three times as many seals as there actually were, eh; we think that’s why he pissed himself, eh.” Even though they saw the seals coming they did not prepare for battle, instead they drank some more. “We thought since they were in the water we could just wait until they drowned and not worry about it, eh,” stated Pvt. Petit, “We had been drinkin’, eh.”

It was Sgt. Girard who made the observation that seals could swim which saved their lives. “I just said ‘Maybe those seals can swim, eh.’ That’s when we realized that we might have to fight them, eh,” said Sgt. Girard. When asked to describe the battle the followed Sgt. Girard stated, “Have you ever seen Saving Private Ryan? It’s like that beginning part, eh. Except the seals were the Americans trying to make a beach landing eh, and we were like the Nazis… wait.”

The fighting was fierce and the casualties on both sides were high. Many movies were used to describe the battle, from Ben Hur to When Harry Met Sally; one man even went as far as to call it as heinous as a Ben Afflack movie (which would be constituted as a war crime by the Geneva Convention). Many of the descriptions are an indecipherable group of drunken slurs. No one here can truly express the battle, whether it be by drunkenness or a lack of movie knowledge, only a survey of the aftermath and the pictures can convey what went on. The only one who could have been asked, because he was sober and American, was the photographer who unfortunately died in the battle.

Sergeant Girard would later receive accommodations for his valor and keen observation that saved the lives of his fellow volunteers and North America. He was awarded the highest honor the country "hat" of Canada can offer, an autographed picture of David Hasselhoff signed "To Mindy My Biggest Fan", twenty U.S. dollars, a ten dollar (Canadian) gift certificate to IHOP, and a coupon for one free back rub. This award was presented to him by the only leader of Canada: Saint Wayne Gretzky, the patron saint of all things Canadian. At the ceremony they also announced to the public that Canadian scientists were close to genetically engineering a seal that would club itself, and that the television show Friends would be moving to Tuesdays at 6.

The 2nd Moose Brigade Patch

A young Pvt. Pliskin fighting a deadly seal. Unfortunately he was killed immediately after this picture was taken.

Pvt. Petit pouncing out of hiding and taking the evil seal by surprise.

A volunteer works late well into the afternoon drunkenly bludgeoning an already dead seal claiming, "He blinked I swear, eh!"

A true hero to his people, Sgt. Girard claims he fought with this seal for an hour before finally killing him with that small butter knife.

Two brave Canadian scientists try to use the new camouflage to get close enough to a seal to capture it for dissection and study. They were never seen again.

This seal was observed trying to retreat in the misted of battle. His Harp brethren turned on the traitor and ripped his skin off as an example to others not to retreat.

This was the last photo on the film found in the camera of the dead photographer. It is believed to be the seal that killed him.

A wounded seal retreats with the rest of his surviving comrades. This signaled the end of the "Battle for Quebec".

An aerial photo of an area of the battlefield after the battle was over.

The Great Canadian War

The Great Canadian War: How the Canooks Saved North America from The Northern Harp Seal Invasion (pub. 10/05/06)

The battle was fierce; lasting for days on end with no end in sight. Here in this white wasteland that the Canadians call their Gettysburg. Many think of Canada simply as America’s hat, but in these few days they have proven themselves worthy of such an honorary title. The land of maple syrup and beer fended off a Harp Seal invasion the likes of which have not been seen in years. Proud citizen soldier Bill Bradley stated, “We’ve beaten them back for another year, aye. But seeing as we have no real standing army to speak of, we can’t really get rid of them for good.” The battle was ferocious but the volunteers were able to keep the Canadian casualties to a minimum. After being asked why they fight Commander J. F. Dubois stated, “They invade every year calling for racial purity, aye, and the sharing of our universal healthcare. They’ll be back next year trying to spread some other crackpot idea like allowing black people to play hockey, aye. I don’t know what that’s aboot.”

These brave volunteers risk their lives on the front lines of this constant battle with only their comrades and clubs to support them. “Every year you wonder if this year will be the one, the year that we won’t be able to stop them, aye. If this year will be the one where you hockey coach gets a folded maple leaf in the mail, aye, and your lonely wife marries that bartender from down the street. That dirty whore! I’d like to punch her in the mouth…” said Pvt. Bradley.

Some say that the small population of this backwards country makes them vulnerable to shear numbers, and that they will eventually dwindle until no defense can be made. In response to this Cmdr. Dubois stated, “Yeah, aye, there is a difference in the numbers and we’re on the less side, but it’s not all aboot numbers. We are making up for this by using good ol’ Canadian ingenuity, aye. Our top minds in the country are working on widdling better clubs and creating better blunt objects, aye. They also are studying the biology of the Harpies (slang for the seals) to find out what makes them tick, aye.” Dubois also briefly mentioned a new classified stealth camouflage that they are working on, he hinted, “It’s white”.

Year after year this band of men prove their meddle and their courage on the front lines of a little know war; these men, who volunteered for the dangerous job of protecting our freedoms. They receive no gratitude, and ask for nothing in return except that Bradley’s wife to stop being such a tramp.

Photo of the battlefield after the first day of fighting (C-Day)

The aftermath of the frozen beach landing (C-Day)

Pvt. Bradley fighting against a ferocious seal soldier on the offensive (C-Day +1)

Pvt. Bradley misses his swing on a viciously attacking seal (C-Day +1)

Cmdr. Dubois taking matters into his own hands and attacking enemy seal behind friendly lines (C-Day +2)

The blood-thirst in the Harp seals eyes can be seen even after death (C-Day +2)

Enemy seal charges forward despite the demoralizing sight of his fallen brethren; this quality makes them a most fearsome foe (C-Day +2)

The battle-hardened seal pushes forward through the numerous casualties in front of him
(C-Day +2)

Top Canadian scientists looking over a seal corpse to find out how to better combat their advances (C-Day +3)

The aftermath of the battle; mass grave of the fallen Harp seals (C-Day +3)