The Great Canadian War

The Great Canadian War: How the Canooks Saved North America from The Northern Harp Seal Invasion (pub. 10/05/06)

The battle was fierce; lasting for days on end with no end in sight. Here in this white wasteland that the Canadians call their Gettysburg. Many think of Canada simply as America’s hat, but in these few days they have proven themselves worthy of such an honorary title. The land of maple syrup and beer fended off a Harp Seal invasion the likes of which have not been seen in years. Proud citizen soldier Bill Bradley stated, “We’ve beaten them back for another year, aye. But seeing as we have no real standing army to speak of, we can’t really get rid of them for good.” The battle was ferocious but the volunteers were able to keep the Canadian casualties to a minimum. After being asked why they fight Commander J. F. Dubois stated, “They invade every year calling for racial purity, aye, and the sharing of our universal healthcare. They’ll be back next year trying to spread some other crackpot idea like allowing black people to play hockey, aye. I don’t know what that’s aboot.”

These brave volunteers risk their lives on the front lines of this constant battle with only their comrades and clubs to support them. “Every year you wonder if this year will be the one, the year that we won’t be able to stop them, aye. If this year will be the one where you hockey coach gets a folded maple leaf in the mail, aye, and your lonely wife marries that bartender from down the street. That dirty whore! I’d like to punch her in the mouth…” said Pvt. Bradley.

Some say that the small population of this backwards country makes them vulnerable to shear numbers, and that they will eventually dwindle until no defense can be made. In response to this Cmdr. Dubois stated, “Yeah, aye, there is a difference in the numbers and we’re on the less side, but it’s not all aboot numbers. We are making up for this by using good ol’ Canadian ingenuity, aye. Our top minds in the country are working on widdling better clubs and creating better blunt objects, aye. They also are studying the biology of the Harpies (slang for the seals) to find out what makes them tick, aye.” Dubois also briefly mentioned a new classified stealth camouflage that they are working on, he hinted, “It’s white”.

Year after year this band of men prove their meddle and their courage on the front lines of a little know war; these men, who volunteered for the dangerous job of protecting our freedoms. They receive no gratitude, and ask for nothing in return except that Bradley’s wife to stop being such a tramp.

Photo of the battlefield after the first day of fighting (C-Day)

The aftermath of the frozen beach landing (C-Day)

Pvt. Bradley fighting against a ferocious seal soldier on the offensive (C-Day +1)

Pvt. Bradley misses his swing on a viciously attacking seal (C-Day +1)

Cmdr. Dubois taking matters into his own hands and attacking enemy seal behind friendly lines (C-Day +2)

The blood-thirst in the Harp seals eyes can be seen even after death (C-Day +2)

Enemy seal charges forward despite the demoralizing sight of his fallen brethren; this quality makes them a most fearsome foe (C-Day +2)

The battle-hardened seal pushes forward through the numerous casualties in front of him
(C-Day +2)

Top Canadian scientists looking over a seal corpse to find out how to better combat their advances (C-Day +3)

The aftermath of the battle; mass grave of the fallen Harp seals (C-Day +3)