Battle for Quebec

Battle for Quebec: The Drunken Masters of the North
Part 2 in a Series Highlighting Canada’s Great War (Pub. 10/10/06)

The 2nd Moose Brigade has proven again why they are considered maybe the second or third, well at least in the top ten, best volunteer brigade in the U.S.’s legally retarded northern brother, Canada. They called it “The Battle for Gretzskygrad” but because a sober person heard it and called it a lame attempt to relate it to the WW2 battle for Stalingrad they changed to the “Battle for Quebec”; even though it took place nowhere near Quebec the sober person decided to not to argue and start drinking. Whatever drunken nonsensical name they decided to give it one thing was true; it was a battle of epic proportions.

No one had expected what looked to be a large bulk of the Harp Seal army to attack their part of the line, which is why they were drinking heavily before the attack happened. Sergeant Pierre Girard stated, “We were pretty drunk by the time someone saw the seaborne attack, eh. Someone, I don’t remember too well who, screamed that they were coming, eh. Because he was drunk he said he saw aboot three times as many seals as there actually were, eh; we think that’s why he pissed himself, eh.” Even though they saw the seals coming they did not prepare for battle, instead they drank some more. “We thought since they were in the water we could just wait until they drowned and not worry about it, eh,” stated Pvt. Petit, “We had been drinkin’, eh.”

It was Sgt. Girard who made the observation that seals could swim which saved their lives. “I just said ‘Maybe those seals can swim, eh.’ That’s when we realized that we might have to fight them, eh,” said Sgt. Girard. When asked to describe the battle the followed Sgt. Girard stated, “Have you ever seen Saving Private Ryan? It’s like that beginning part, eh. Except the seals were the Americans trying to make a beach landing eh, and we were like the Nazis… wait.”

The fighting was fierce and the casualties on both sides were high. Many movies were used to describe the battle, from Ben Hur to When Harry Met Sally; one man even went as far as to call it as heinous as a Ben Afflack movie (which would be constituted as a war crime by the Geneva Convention). Many of the descriptions are an indecipherable group of drunken slurs. No one here can truly express the battle, whether it be by drunkenness or a lack of movie knowledge, only a survey of the aftermath and the pictures can convey what went on. The only one who could have been asked, because he was sober and American, was the photographer who unfortunately died in the battle.

Sergeant Girard would later receive accommodations for his valor and keen observation that saved the lives of his fellow volunteers and North America. He was awarded the highest honor the country "hat" of Canada can offer, an autographed picture of David Hasselhoff signed "To Mindy My Biggest Fan", twenty U.S. dollars, a ten dollar (Canadian) gift certificate to IHOP, and a coupon for one free back rub. This award was presented to him by the only leader of Canada: Saint Wayne Gretzky, the patron saint of all things Canadian. At the ceremony they also announced to the public that Canadian scientists were close to genetically engineering a seal that would club itself, and that the television show Friends would be moving to Tuesdays at 6.

The 2nd Moose Brigade Patch

A young Pvt. Pliskin fighting a deadly seal. Unfortunately he was killed immediately after this picture was taken.

Pvt. Petit pouncing out of hiding and taking the evil seal by surprise.

A volunteer works late well into the afternoon drunkenly bludgeoning an already dead seal claiming, "He blinked I swear, eh!"

A true hero to his people, Sgt. Girard claims he fought with this seal for an hour before finally killing him with that small butter knife.

Two brave Canadian scientists try to use the new camouflage to get close enough to a seal to capture it for dissection and study. They were never seen again.

This seal was observed trying to retreat in the misted of battle. His Harp brethren turned on the traitor and ripped his skin off as an example to others not to retreat.

This was the last photo on the film found in the camera of the dead photographer. It is believed to be the seal that killed him.

A wounded seal retreats with the rest of his surviving comrades. This signaled the end of the "Battle for Quebec".

An aerial photo of an area of the battlefield after the battle was over.